Just ten more wake ups...

...til I am with my love again, and I absolutely cannot wait.

Even just getting to text him the last couple days has made the days seem brighter and time pass more easily, the moment I get that first "Hey Darlin" or "Good morning my love" after being out of contact something in me relaxes and I'm carefree again.

It's not that I don't cope without him, I manage and I have confidence I can continue to deal with distance and times without communication. It's just that everything is better with him around...also sometimes after not talkin to him awhile I have a lil manic OCD cleaning spree, ha! During boot camp it was my room, I cleaned out the closet and my desk and rearranged furniture. This time was all the bathroom drawers and cupboards. I told him after deployments he will probably come home to a sparkling spotless little house.

But anywho, ten more wake ups...the last night I will be on a plane and not be sleeping so I don't have a wake up that day, ha. Between now and then I have my third wedding dress fitting and am considering attending Emerald City Comicon for the first time. Exciting, right?

Bits of Pablo Neruda

But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon the wind and upon
the waters,
until they found me.

***

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

***

My wild girl, we have had
to regain time
and march backward, in the distance
of our lives, kiss after kiss,
gathering from one place what we gave
without joy, discovering in another
the secret road
that gradually brought your feet close to mine,
and so beneath my mouth
you see again the unfulfilled plant
of your life putting out its roots
toward my heart that was waiting for you.

***

My love, to my life
you came prepared
as a poppy and as a guerrilla fighter:
silken is the splendor that I stroke
with the hunger and thirst
that I brought to this world only for you,
and behind the silk
the girl of iron
who will fight at my side.

Time to think

Does anyone else spend a lot of aimless thinking time in the shower? I love to stand there in the steaming hot water feeling my muscles slowly unclench and just ponder whatever pops into my head. Two things this week:

Firstly I was thinking about feminism, specifically among Christian women who get so very ruffled over the word "submit". I was thinking that men are given the harder job when they are told to love their wife as Christ loves and to give themselves up for her even as Christ gave himself up for the Church.

Did you catch that? Read it again.

It boils down to trust. Do I trust my husband to love me that way, that completely, that sacrificially? Hell, do I trust him to simply love me as a faithful and affectionate partner, maybe not to that extent, but a "reasonable" amount? Well then wouldn't I trust that he would want what's best for me, what makes me happy and healthy and satisfied? If I said I refused to buy into the idea of submission I'm saying I think all he wants is to have power over me and once he gets it he'll use it to abuse me, OR I'm saying I think he's too incompetent to make good decisions that I would agree with...why would I marry someone I thought either that mean-spirited or that stupid?

I do trust my future husband. I know he would give his life for me and not just because he's said it but because I have bone-deep knowledge of his truthfulness. I'm not afraid to submit or even *gasp* use the word obey because he would never ask me to do something that I had a sincere objection to. Note that a sincere objection is not mere whining when he encourages me to work out or eat healthy, obviously those are good things to prod me to do.

There is a Sara Teasdale poem I love that I have quoted to him, and the last couple lines are "And 'Master' I will say to you/because you never asked me to." That sort of says it all I think.

The second thing I was thinking about was the current controversy about the Seattle cop who shot a wood-carver who was walking down the street with a knife...

I can't say whether the officer was right to shoot that man, but the arguments that people are using do concern me a bit.

The question of time and the threat...a human being can cover a pretty good distance in only a second, so someone with a knife within a hundred feet of me? I'd consider that potentially threatening, of course depending on context. Also a bulletproof vest can be easily circumvented with a knife, there are many uncovered areas that bleed seriously, an officer doesn't feel invincible in one I'm sure.

Police officers, Federal agents, those in the military, are often asked to make life or death decisions very quickly and hesitation can mean death for them or bystanders. They have a heavy responsibility. Sometime they make the wrong call.

Several months ago I read "Generation Kill" and discussed it as I went with my love. It described some terrible realities of urban warfare with a non-uniformed enemy that our military faced in Iraq. There were times that Marines had to take out a vehicle that showed no intention of stopping at a checkpoint only to find it was scared civilians they had killed. There was one account of a young boy being killed. I remember the way my eyes teared up when I talked about these horrible possibilities with my fiancé, then boyfriend.

What I said to him I would want to say to every person who puts on a uniform and goes out to try to make this country or this world a safer place for me and you and everyone and struggles with these decisions.

"Hindsight is 20/20. I was not there, in that moment, I don't know what had to go into that decision, I can have no idea what that felt like. All I want is for you not to hesitate because I don't want you to hold back and get hurt or killed. I want you to come home safe."

Of course for my love, when he asked if I would hate him for making a mistake, I added that I valued his life more than many lives of people I'd never met and never would, and would he hate me for that selfishness?

I just don't want to see our law enforcement crippled by hesitation worrying about their careers and lawsuits and media crucifixion...yes, they do need accountability and there are definite boundaries, they don't get carte blanche for wearing a badge...but I don't want good men and women to be injured or killed while they flinch at the thought of the press hounding them about their decisions.

Discernment

Last night at Theology Pub with Miss Spiro, the subject of discernment and my gut feelings and first impressions of people came up. I find they are often uncannily accurate and yet I ignore them to my own detriment, something I'm working on. I spoke of how they can range from "Danger! Run!" feelings to something very different and I brought up my fiancé...

After meeting him on Facebook and bantering a bit on discussion boards there, he struck up an instant message conversation. I remember having a panicked debate with myself in my head before I gave him a single reply in that more private setting. My thoughts were literally "Do I have the energy for this? He is going to make me seriously attached to him...can I stand to fall in love with him and have my life turned upside down?" I was in a relationship at the time. He lived in another state. He was a couple years younger. He was making noises about enlisting. I could already tell he was on his way to getting under my skin. This could blow up in my face in a spectacular fashion.

I replied.

The rest is...well you know the cliché.

The Bird In The Tree - Elizabeth Goudge

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever, but it must be a costly and strong beauty, purchased at a high price of service or sacrifice, not skin-deep but bone-deep, if it is to be as desirable at the shabby end as it was at the sumptuous beginning."

"Lucilla had never been able to understand Nadine, and blamed her lack of understanding upon Nadine's Russian grandmother. There was no understanding the Russians, a tiresome people, all quite mad."

"If people could not look nice when they thought, said Lucilla, then let them cease from thought, for evidently they were thinking more than was good for them."

"With women, you never knew what would scare them and what wouldn't."

"'We all of us try to make God in our image,' she said. 'It is one of the worst of our temptations.'"

"Ben and Tommy were exuding from every pore that icy disapproval which a man, disappointed in his female relatives, can express so well in utter silence."

"He disliked being prayed for. He didn't think it was fair. For all you knew, under the compulsion of it, you might find yourself doing something heroic that you didn't in the least want or intend to do."

Let's try this again, shall we?

When a girl anticipates a move across the country, she should probably restart her blog to keep the far-reaching family and friends updated.

No promises, but you might hear some interesting things about me, my future husband, and our life as we prepare for our marriage and move to a Marine base. Now if the Corps would just give us enough information to set a wedding date...who am I kidding, I will have like, two weeks notice if I'm lucky. *smirk*